Like the Graceful Dolphin, I shall Dive into the Chaotic Oceans!

                    Alright... so... last night I was finally honest with myself, and with my husband. I hate my life. I don't hate my marriage, I don't hate being a mother. But, I hate what my life has become. A never-ending existence of boredom.

                    Know why I hate these fucking teenagers who claim they hate their lives? Because they've never been faced with a problem like mine. They go to school, they hang out with friends, they have a roof over their heads which mommy and daddy pay for... they don't wake up in the morning and think to themselves, " Who am I? "

                    I don't know who I am. I have no idea who Amy Kingery is. I've always been introduced as Emania's mom, or Nate's wife... I lack any real social skills. My problem isn't that I'm afraid of people, I'm afraid of telling them about myself. What can I say? " I'm a wife, I'm the mother of a 4 year old, I stay at home and stare at the same walls day after day, year after year... oh...and I'm pagan... woopty fuckin doo ".

                    My whole life I've been told what to do, where to go, who to talk to, what to wear... ect... Anytime I tried to check out something that interested me, it was shot down with, " Thats stupid ", or " We can't take you there..." or " We can't afford that..." or " It will affect your grades...". So... As a teenager, I went to school, and went to work. I came home to a house that walked on eggshells... a house where you held your breath and prayed to almighty God that maybe, just maybe... mom wouldn't be in a bad mood, or maybe she won't be so tired... maybe I can disappear so she dosen't see me and tear me apart for one reason or another...

                    After thinking about this last night... I realised two things. One, I love the quiet because it means my mother isn't here. Two, I am becoming my mother. My mother went nuts after being a stay at home mom for about 9 years... All the signs are here... in front of me. I snap at my daughter and husband for no reason, my blood pressure rises when no one picks up after themselves, and last...I want to run away.

                    Everyone who works says to me, " Fine, you go work for me and I'll stay home ". Newsflash asshole, being a stay at home mom, or a housewife ( or dad/hubby ) is the hardest job in the universe. Why? Boredom. We have no life. We live in a home where our soul purpose is to serve others.

                    So, after highschool, I met Nate. We fell in love, got married... and the first two years were great. I went to work, I came home. I visited friends, I went out, I wore makeup... the whole bit. Then I got pregnant and was told to quit my job and stay home by my doctor. It wasn't so bad... I had Rose, and we went all over the place. Then the love of my life came along... my Emania. The first year wasn't bad at all... but then... it slowly creeped in... boredom, lack of worth, lack of appreciation, lack of self dignity, lack of self esteem... ect...

                     So now I am facing my problem. I have no hobby. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I like, or what I want. Nate's always told me what to do... not that he means it in a bad way... Nate just wants to " fix the problem ". Thats when the pressure comes in... Thats when I feel like I have to do a certain thing, or act a certain way... so he thinks I'm ok, so he dosen't worry that its him. But its not about him, or Emania. This is about me.

                     All morning, as I cleaned... I thought about what I like, or what I might like... but everything seems unreachable... I love photography... but I don't own a camera. I love the ocean, but I'm surrounded by land, I love to make things, but they're never any good. Thats all I came up with. Pathetic isn't it? While everyone else is working, making something of themselves, talking to co-workers, and looking forward to going home... I'm already at home... wishing I was somewhere else... I always tell Nate he deserves to spend all the extra money... he deserves a haircut more than I do, he deserves new things... because he earned them. I haven't earned shit. I don't make money. My daughter needs extra help and I feel like its my fault for not doing a good enough job... and because of that, she might not go to kindergarden this year... which means another year of desperation...

                        I always like shopping...ever for groceries... but when I'm done...I want to cry... because maybe I should have bought more snacks... or maybe I shouldn't have bought this stupid shirt... or maybe I spent too much money on laundry because I didn't go to the laundry mat on time...... Your probably laughing... but if you had my existence... you wouldn't be.

                         I know when Nate reads this... he'll feel like he failed... but I hope he dosen't, because this isn't his fault... and when he feels responsible... the pressure builds more........

                        I hate my life... wherever it is......

                       So... if you have any suggestions on what I should do, please respond...