Like the Graceful Dolphin, I shall Dive into the Chaotic Oceans!

Its been a while since I've updated my blog. I wanted to do so sooner, but never knew what to say... so here it goes...

Emania LOVES school. I knew she would, but its always a comfort to see her little face light up when she learns its a " school day ". Her teachers adore her, she's already made friends, and I've seen a major change in her already. She loves dinner time because her father and I ask her questions about school, and encourage her to speak up and talk. So she's proceeded to teach us her songs, tell us about the letters, her gym class, her art projects, ect... and it brings a smile to my face when she shows me her papers with pride. And Anu, it brings tears to my eyes everytime I see her with her little backpack on... in her little school clothes... Thank you for giving me the strength not to cry in front of her on her first day of school... thank you for giving me the strength to hold it in until that water hit my face in the shower and allowed me to release all that anxeity of knowing my baby was growing up...

My house is empty again. As much as I miss my Tuatha... its good to be surrounded by silence in the evenings... The visit with DS and G was fantastic. G is a wonderful woman and truly an inspiration to me. I cherish her friendship and see her as family. Unfortantely... their vacation was abruptly ended when her mother passed away suddenly. At least now closure is near... and the healing process has begun.

Somewhere along the summer... depression creeped in. I don't know exactly how or when... but I'm glad I'm talking about it. I feel as if a heavy weight in resting on my chest.... waiting for my arms to grow tired so it can finally crush me beneath its weight and end my life. I had to dump the alcohol in my house. My eyes were wandering towards the bottles... peticularly the vodka. I could feel my mouth grow dry as I looked at the china cabinet, after wandering into the kitchen for no apparent reason, at 9:00 in the morning. I could feel my hands shaking... and suddenly... fear would grip my heart as reality started to sink in. I want to drink that this early? Watching the people around me drinking beer, drinking wiskey and rum... I could hear that wicked voice in my head saying, " If they can, you can... your better now... ". But I'm not. I would try to sit and have a few drinks... but they were tasting better and better... Praise the Gods for putting me to sleep. Sleep... where I can close my eyes and escape...where I can be pulled to another world where I am safe and protected... where I can handle being alive. Perhaps I have lost my purpose? Perhaps there is an underlining issue deep within me I am trying to avoid? I remember being 14... using heroin as my escape. 14 year olds? Using drugs? That should have been a clue. After kicking the habit... I began sleeping with knives... that scared the shit out of my dad. I've never seen him so afraid... Then I end up with Ken... lose my son... and become friendless... Then there's that period of time when Nathan walked into my life. My knight in semi dented armor... with a charming smile...and eyes the color of a clear blue sky in spring... Gods I am so glad he came along then... They say you should never need anyone else in your life... but in my case... I needed him like trees need the rain. So life was good... marriage...a SUPRISE in my tummy... the most beautiful baby any parent could pray for... I thought I was ok... Even the problems Nate and I had a couple years ago didn't affect me... but maybe...maybe thats whats happening now. Maybe I haven't finished some of the things from yesterday all the way back... maybe there's a door I forgot to close... I pray... I pray I can keep fighting this. I don't want their mind controlling bullshit drugs. I don't want some old fuck telling me whats wrong with me. I want to know whats wrong with me, and fix it myself. I pray my Gods, my Ancestors, my Family can hold my hands... because I think I need help... I don't want to wake up surrounded by darkness anymore... I don't want to be trapped in the box with no way out... and no windows... listening to world outside...laughing... smiling... Oh Gods... I hope Nate can forgive me for never smiling...

Macha... Brigit... You know whats in my heart...she needs help. Make her stop and get the help she needs.

Next year...we're going to try to either rent, or buy a house. I can't take this cramped apartment...or any apartment for that matter...anymore. I want my own home... a big house with lots of room to stretch out... Nothing huge...but big enough for the 3 three of us. Something we can call our own. We've thought of moving to Geneseo... but we might move to Pavillion or East Bethany instead... closer to Geneseo...but not far from Batavia... so Barb dosen't have a full hours drive to come over...LOL. So...I'm keeping everything crossed... praying we can catch a break before Emania starts Kindergarden...