Like the Graceful Dolphin, I shall Dive into the Chaotic Oceans!

Ok... so... don't freak out... but this gonna be an UBER personal, kinda disturbing post... Nate knows most of it... but not all...and I gotta get this shit.... outta my head, ya know?

Ok... so have you ever been haunted by a God? Kind of a weird question, huh? What if I told you I've had this certain diety haunting me for almost 7 years? He can see everything in my heart, my soul, my head... and He uses it against me. Lately, he's been using my insecurities and fears to break me to His will. All I hear is, " Fight back, be strong... ". But what if part of you wanted to stop fighting? What if you were so submissive, to fight Him would be to fight yourself?

                 Nate and I have an open relationship. He sleeps with other women, I get turned on. It took me 3 years to admit to him I wanted to have an open relationship... but just for him to sleep with others. I'm like the anti-scorpio. I don't get jealous very easily. So then we talked about it for months and months... and finally were ready. We've never had a problem in 4 years. In fact, its worked so well, we've spoken a few times about me being with other men. Thing is, I don't want to be with anyone else unless Nate's with me.

                  For nearly 10 years I've suppressed my true sexuality. I'm a scorpio in the sense of being into kinky stuff. Not the same ole' crap...I can get into some serious shit. Out of those 10 years, 7 years were spent with Nate. So yes, I hid what I liked from my husband for a long time...until this weekend. Did I finally tell him because I was afraid of losing him? Yes. But not for the reasons you think. Every man or woman I've expressed my desires too thought me a freak, made fun of me, or, in one case... used it against me. The last man I told thought he knew what he was doing... and hurt me. I didn't think I'd ever do anything again. So, I remained monogymus... I remained your normal timid woman. I just did the " normal " thing. I hated it. I hated the fact that everything my husband liked and wanted, I wanted to, but didn't have the heart to tell him. I hated feeling like I couldn't trust him with my innermost secrets. I hated knowing that other women could give him, what I wanted to, but couldn't. Do you know what thats like? To lock yourself up in a box and cry upon its walls... its suicide. Literally.

              So, there I was. Suicidal. Depressed. Falling apart... and then the nightmares started.

              My nightmare might not sound horrible to you. I'm sure everyone will tell me how much worse there's are. But mine are very real...and are slowly destroying me. It begins by a loud crash. I wake up ( In the dream ) and I'm laying in bed. I can hear Emania screaming... calling for me. I also hear laughter... a man and a womans. I start to jump out of bed and I scream because my back hurts. I turn and look at my mirror... and I can see blood all over me. I turn slightly, and I see something carved into my back... the word " MINE ". I start to shake and I hear laughter behind me. Kenny is standing behind me with a knife. I turn and open my bedroom door... and I see Nate going at it with another girl. They're both laughing at me. They call me a baby, and Nate says, " Whats the matter? Don't you want to sleep in? " I start to cry and ask, " Why is Emania crying? ". They continue to laugh and I run into her room... but she's gone. Her window is wide...someone has stolen her. I start to scream until my voice becomes hoarse as I'm running down the stairs and out of the house. When I step into my backyard...there's people there. I feel something sharp stab me in the arm...and I see Christauf... stabbing me with a Syringe. I feel the blood drain... my skin tingle... the world starts to spin... I see faces I recognize, some I don't. I'm trying to talk...trying to tell them I have to find Emania...but they won't let me go... They're all screaming at me... telling me how I've betrayed them...that I'm a bad mother for letting her get taken... for allowing my husband to sleep with other women... They're slowly pulling me towards a tree. I look up...and everythings a spinning blur at first... But then I see the clains... hooks... rope... and there's something wrapped in blue... swimging around as my former best friend is hitting it like a Pinata with a stick... then I see the face. Its my son. I try to scream...but nothings coming out... I feel an arm grab me and twist me around... and its Nate. The crowd clears, and I see bodies laying on the ground. Then I see Emania dancing around them like in Nate's head... She's dressed in black... and she's laughing... she stops and looks at me...and gives me a horrible smile and says, " I don't need you. You can't protect me. But daddy will. " I feel my soul crumble, and I climb into the tree. I take my son and hold him close as I put a rope around my neck and jump. As I swing back and forth... everyone turns and walks away... laughing.

                  Would you want to go to sleep?

                  So this God has told me that if I give Him what He wants, He'll help me find a way to get rid of the nightmares. When that didn't work, he decided to put ideas in my head... to play on my fears. Things like, love letters, private conversations, pictures, ect... that I don't know about. He says " Haven't you wondered why he talks to her out of sight and earshot? Always talking to her on the landing before coming upstairs. Speaking to her in the bathroom while on the phone. " I always defend Nate. He has nothing to hide from me. I know I can trust him. Besides, I asked Nate straight out and he said no. He said he has no pictures I don't know about, and he's never led her on... Nate would never lie to me. Then this diety says, " Have you looked in his folders? " So just to shut him up, I did. Nothing. There was nothing...HA! Then he says, " So why is your bin empty? " I'm like..." Bin? What bin? " I look at the recycle bin and think, " Alright smartass ". So I pull up the recycle bin. Empty!!! HA!!! Then he says, " Then why did he suddenly empty it, when normally you do? ". Fucker. I had no answer to that, other than, " Maybe it was too full ". Regardless of what He says...I trust Nate. He'd never lie to me.

                   So all last night and today, He's been in my head... trying to put fears in my heart. He knows my greatest fear is driving Nate away. He knows I was killing our relationship with my inability to be affectionate, or to have sex. I didn't tell Nate the truth about me until this weekend because I felt threatened by the fact Lindsay could be more submissive than me. I told Nate the truth so I could stop being miserable, and save our marriage. Was our marriage in trouble? No... not yet. But I wasn't about to wait until the last moment this time. Nate said I should have trusted him, to know I could be anything I wanted to as long as I was happy. He was right. I should have had more faith in him... Afterall, he's never lied to me, never maid me feel insecure, never brought me massive amounts of pain... He'd never hide anything from me for fear of hurting me...

                     So... Aengus finnally shut up. He knows he struck a deep cord with me just now.

                     He said, " If he's telling you the truth, and if he loves you so much, why did he tell her he loved her durring sex? ".

                     I said, " It means nothing, its just sex. "

                    He said, " So he dosen't mean it when he says it to you? "

                    " Yes it does, he told me he means it, and I believe him. "

                    " Isn't that what they all said Amy? "

                    I hate him. Anyone know how to poison a God and take away bad dreams?

                    I wish Nae Nae was home.